It was only later that I realized that I was projecting my own critical nature towards myself on to other people. One  way that I was able to get past that was to learn the value of appreciation.

Appreciation has a double meaning here – it means to tell someone how much you value them. Similutaneously, it means to add value to someone.

You can put this into practice by becoming the type of person who leaves people better off than when you found them. With everyone you meet, ask “How can I add value to them?” You can add value to them with your smile, your knowledge, your encouragement, or simply a listening ear. And when you focus on adding value to others, you add value to yourself at the same time!

I think the ultimate key to social success is learning how to make other people feel important – not in a phony, “I’ll flatter them so that they will like me” kind of attitude. You do so with a sincere attitude of genuinely wanting to help others and share the best of yourself with them.

In fact the next time you go out, focus on seeing people with a sign around their necks with the words “Make Me Feel Important”. That will help you focus on making others feel good and comfortable and take the spotlight/magnifying glass off of you.

As ancient wisdom says, “A man who has friends must himself be friendly”. Everyone likes to feel good about themselves and you can help those you meet in this area.

However, it is hard to focus on making others feel good about themselves if you don’t first feel good about who you are. So in the meantime, take a look at your thoughts and feelings. What stories are you telling yourself about yourself? Are you being kind to yourself in your thoughts or are you critical and your own worst enemy?

As I mentioned earlier I’ve found that the more harsh, critical, and judgmental you are with yourself the more you tend to think other people are the same way. But all you are doing is projecting on to them how you feel about yourself inside. So that is the first area to work on in overcoming shyness - but I know you are up to the challenge!

You can say, “I really have enjoyed our conversation. But I promised myself I was going to make myself circulate and meet more people at the next party I attended. I don’t want to break that promise. It was great meeting you. I hope you enjoy the rest of the party.”

However, if you want to keep the connection with that person, you can say “Why don’t you join me and we can circulate together?”

Again, people don’t always remember what you say but they always remember how you made them feel. So always show the other person kindness and respect when taking your leave.

One common issue I hear about in my overcoming shyness class is difficulty in forgiving people who have misunderstood you and your shyness. Sometimes people can be insensitive, disrespectful and hurtful and it can be challenging to get past that.

I understand because I too was hurt by people who misunderstood my shyness and treated me cruelly…and yes, it was hard to get past that. But for my own healing, I realized that as an adult, I no longer had to allow other people’s opinion and my past to define me. I had a choice and so do you. Please realize that I am saying this out of love.

Holding on to unforgiveness is baggage. I thought of it like this: Refusing to forgive is like carrying around the ghosts of everyone who has ever hurt you. Those people have probably moved on, but you are still carrying around the ghosts, allowing them to color your current life experience. You can use the word “haunted” to describe the feeling.

Do you really want to live the rest of your life “haunted”? You deserve so much more than that!

Here is something I did and it may help you too. I got a pen and paper and wrote out the names of every single person who hurt me. I wrote out all of my grievances towards them. I left no stone unturned. Then…I said: “I forgive all of you and I release all of you. I refuse to let you ruin my life another day.” Then I burned the paper.

And because I am a praying person, I also prayed for each person that had been on my list, wishing them well and for whatever caused them to treat me cruelly to be healed within them so they would not ever hurt anyone else like that again.

Finally, I prayed for forgiveness for myself. Why? Because I know that I have hurt others out of my ignorance in the past. And guess what? So have you….maybe without even knowing it. We are all imperfect.

Again, you get to choose how you want to live. Am I saying forgiveness is easy? No. But is it necessary if you want to move forward? Absolutely. Otherwise you stay anchored to the past and as long as you are…you will never be able to move into a better future.

Don’t continue to give those people that kind of power over you. They’ve already taken enough!

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And if someone doesn’t like you, you can think: “I would like for you to like me, but if you don’t that is your opinion and has nothing to do with me. I am a nice person and I have the right to express my opinions and I have a right to say no.”

If you’ve had a pattern of being passive your whole life then becoming assertive will take some time. But you will find your confidence soaring when you work on this area. And someday soon, you will be able to take off the mask and say basically, “This is me. Deal with it”

In fact, you might want to look in a mirror, smile and say it out loud. “This is me. Deal with it.”  Self acceptance is very powerful and a very liberating place to be in!

The Perfectionism pattern makes you feel like you shouldn’t attempt an activity unless you can do it perfectly. Can you imagine what your life would be like if you had had that attitude as a baby? A baby has to learn many tasks to become independent, chief among them is learning how to walk. If you had the attitude that you wouldn’t attempt a task until you could do it perfectly back then, you’d still be crawling right now. Instead you kept trying, falling and failing until you succeeded in standing up without support. That’s how it will be with overcoming your shyness.

One of my favorite television shows back in the 1980s was a series called Fame. The series was about a high school in which all the students were dancers, singers, actors, or musicians.

One of my favorite characters was a boy named Bruno, who was a very talented musician. Bruno was also a shy perfectionist. Bruno’s father begged him to let people hear his music, but Bruno would always protest that his music wasn’t ready for people to hear. He stayed in his basement studio, reworking his songs, perfecting the last detail.

The truth was that Bruno was afraid that people wouldn’t like his music if they heard it. Those around him knew that until Bruno overcame his fear, his music was never going to be ready.

One day, Bruno’s music teacher sat him down. He recognized that the boy was a genius, but his perfectionist attitude was holding him back. He knew that feedback is necessary to help us become better. He said to Bruno, “You will never grow unless you can learn. And you will never learn unless you are courageous enough to be bad.” Anything worth doing is worth doing badly at the beginning.

If you see every opportunity as a learning experience, you will be more forgiving of your mistakes and believe it or not, improve faster than you would if you hold yourself to impossible standards.

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We can be so mean to ourselves sometimes – “I’m a loser,” “I’m boring,” “I’m stupid” – things we would never say to someone we love, we say to ourselves without a second thought. When it comes to overcoming shyness, this type of thinking needs to change.

So the first thing you should do is to monitor your thinking. What can you say to yourself during those times so that the other person’s lack of response doesn’t become about you?

For example, you could think to yourself, “I’ll bet they have a lot on their mind and aren’t just up for conversation right now.” That is a perfectly legitimate reason for not wanting to talk and it doesn’t have anything to do with you.

Since you will never know the real reason with 100% certainty, why make yourself miserable by imagining the worst and putting yourself down? It’s not fair.

As your self-esteem gets stronger this will be come less of an issue.  However, if you don’t feel good about yourself, then you tend to project that image on to others and think they are viewing you just as negatively as you view yourself.

And if it turns out that the other person really doesn’t want to be with you, then think to yourself – “They say ‘No’ but I say ‘Next!’ There are plenty of people out there who would be delighted by your company so why waste time on someone who can’t receive you?

Overcoming shyness means that you learn to recognize your value and go where you are celebrated, not where you are tolerated. So when someone rejects you, they are really doing you a favor by freeing up your time to seek out others who will benefit from what you have to give!

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How would your life change if you could overcome shyness?  

Could you make friends, develop relationships, get a better job, or build your business?

Now, you can gain the communication skills you need to get the life you want with the Goodbye to Shy online course. Learn from the comfort and convenience of your own home while receiving support from other shy people who understand where you’re come from. Just like me!

I’m Kimberly Floyd, the creator of Goodbye to Shy. I wrote the course because I wanted to help others experience the freedom of life beyond social anxiety. I know the pain of missed opportunities – all because I was too afraid to speak up.

When I was in school, my classmates actually voted me “Quietest Girl”…a label that I definitely did not want. Things got worse in my career as a Registered Nurse. The first year was sheer torture. Whenever I had to communicate, I would break out in a sweat, my throat would tighten, and my mind blanked as I struggled to find words to say.

Desperate to relieve my discomfort, I knew overcoming shyness had to become a top priority. I begin examining my actions and thoughts and to my surprise, a pattern emerged every time social anxiety reared its ugly head.

S.T.O.P.

I realized that overcoming this pattern is the key to overcoming shyness. The S and T disconnected me from others. The O and P disconnected me from myself. As long as I stuck to the pattern, I was insecure and fearful. But when I learned how to interrupt the pattern I became confident and courageous. Since then…

• I’ve become an author and wellness coach.
• I’ve spoken to groups of hundreds of people.
• I’ve led teams.
• I’ve been interviewed on national radio and television programs.
• And I’m engaged to marry the man of my dreams!

You can achieve your dreams once you know the secret of STOP. How would your life change for the better if you could learn these secrets? Don’t wait any longer. It’s time to have the life you deserve!

Click below to learn about enrollment in the Goodbye to Shy online course: